Many women I see who are going through late-life divorce feel very isolated and alone as they go through this very difficult time. It's as if the ground has been pulled out from beneath them and they don't know where to turn. Plus emotions can be overwhelming,
making it hard to believe in the confidence and strength that is in there somewhere, waiting to be called upon.
Here are 5 steps or guidelines that I've seen help women who are going through this often painful transition:
#1. Accept Your Feelings
This may sound trite, but it does help in the long run. I think it's more about balancing all the things you have to get done with time to let the emotions go through you-especially the grief that is often a part of this experience. I could quote all sorts of research on the benefits of letting your emotions be expressed, but basically it is for your own health and vitality. It's not really that good for you to stuff them down into some internal basement, left there to rear their ugly heads through your body or physical health. Or to emerge when you least expect them. Or to run the show on an unconscious level. Accepting that it may get messy at times is a good start. Having someone to be messy with can be helpful to, which brings us to...
#2. Make Sure You Have Support
I've heard many women state that they are too ashamed or embarrassed to reach out, afraid they will be judged. This step might bring you out of your comfort zone and may require some courage, yet it's one of the best tools for getting through this difficulty. Friends, family, professionals, and peers going through similar experiences can be a source of comfort, advice, and a sense of belonging. This can be a truly isolating time, and the balm of others who understand you is priceless.
#3. Rediscover Your Interests
One way to connect with others and get social support is through reawakening your interests that may have gotten lost or put on hold while you were in your relationship. Joining groups, taking classes, volunteering, perhaps some travel! are all ways to revitalise yourself and your morale. These can help remind you that you are a wonderful person! And that this difficult time does not mean you are banished from having a meaningful and rich life. These kind of activities also help with building up your new identity and give a sense of accomplishment and joy.
#4 Maintain Boundaries
This step is one of the first things I look at with women going through late-life breakups. So often, our sense of self gets lost in the long years of being with another. The deep knowing of where our boundaries are in a relationship often gets lost or set aside, to our own detriment. Here are a few examples of why boundary work is important:
*so we can enter a new relationship knowing how to care for ourselves
*how to set boundaries with our adult children to maintain privacy
*having the ability to keep strong boundaries with our ex-partner
*making sure we don't shut down to the world in an attempt to have boundaries
*being able to say no without judging yourself harshly
#5 Prioritise Self-Care
This essential part of life might also have fallen by the wayside for the sake of your relationship or family. Many women cannot relate to the notion of self-care at all because they have lost track of who they are, what their needs are, who they want to be. This may take time and it's important to go easy on yourself, create a new routine, and commit to being the one who loves you the most. An old friend used to talk about marrying herself before she could even consider being married to someone else. This is the ground of self-care: being there for ourselves.
All of this is easier said than done! Luckily you are not the first woman to be going through this late-life divorce and there are lots of ways to get support. If you are interested in learning about any of these steps, feel free to get in touch or book a free call.
I am carrying out a survey to gain insights into supporting women experiencing a late-life divorce/separation/breakup. I would be grateful if you could take a moment to complete this survey. Your responses will be kept confidential. Feel free to share with friends! Here is the link:
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